April is a lovely month to be in the south of England.  The greenhouse effect has particularly favoured us this month, it was hot enough on Monday to sunbathe (and I happened to have the day off), and the past couple of days have been sunny and pleasant.

The wisteria are not flowering yet, but the leaves and branches are climbing up my window.  I have a view of the garden, and like to watch the fox sleeping just through the cut doorway in the hedge.  There is large pile of brown grass which he sleeps on, encircled and head tucked in, and he blends in perfectly.  As I savour my jasmine tea, he raises his head, yawns lazily, tucks his head back in. 

Today I have a Gilbert and Sullivan performance with WWOS, singing about 6 arias and ensembles, and a bunch of chorus numbers from most of the G&S operas.  My favourite, which I am singing for the first time, is the madrigal from Mikado.  Should be fun.   

Wowl. What an incredible holiday.  I just love my family, I am so happy for them and excited about their interests and self growth.  My friends in SF were generous, hospitable and lovely and I really enjoyed seeing them in their new environments - I find it fascinating that so many of my friends are going through major life changes. 

I arrived back into London on Thursday, but don't feel back yet.  Slept really well on the plane but haven't been sleeping regularly since, my head is spinning, hopping, jiving, tangoing, bluesing.  I am learning so much about myself and making wonderful friends dancing! 

When I was checking out all of the natural product stores in the bay area I put an application form in with a natural pharmacy, and had a very encouraging conversation with the head of personnel.  

I could do it, you know.  Move back to SF and have a great job and spend all my evenings dancing and seeing friends.  The Lindy hop scene seems better here in London, but SF is the place for blues.  Lindy is pure joy, Blues is pure passion.  How lucky I am to have discovered both.    

First day in San Francisco.  I drove straight to Golden Gate Park and walked around 'my' old haunt, the North Lake.  I felt so alive, energised.  I wondered if I would be similarly inspired by the sea, and was a bit disappointed, but proud to admit that my hometown Ventura has one of the best beaches (sand, surf, views, not thronged by tourists, don't need to be a movie star to afford to lie on them) in the world.   

Walked through Lindley Meadow among the groves of Eucalyptus, Fir and Pine, then sat for a while with my back against a Red Cedar, contemplating my future.  What should I do?  Should I move back?  Could I do it?  It scares me, the change.  I sought refuge in the tiny health food shops along Fillmore street, looking at the lotions, the aromatherapy oils, all so familiar now, and yet different.  I started writing down the names of 'our competitors', wanting to return to NYR and say, 'send me back to SF now, I will find our new store and set it up for you.' 

My two friends here are from my past, the world of western medicine, drugs for everything, doctors.  One has gone the traditional job, marriage, kids route.  The other I see tomorrow - still very much a city girl, I believe.  Where would I fit?  My friend's father reminded me of it yesterday 'You have a variety of accents'. I want to speak with my own voice, and I think I am finding it, albeit slowly. 

I wish I knew where I would be in a year. But for now, I will try to remind myself that I am on holiday, and here to have fun!

Going home to California tomorrow.  I still call it 'home' although I have lived in the UK for nearly 8 years now.  I wonder if it will still feel like 'home'?  I haven't been there since 2004, and lots of things have changed since then.  I was just looking over my old blogs, and saw a post from October of last year, the 7 year anniversary of my coming to the UK to live.  I reasoned then that I would probably rather live in California, and at that time I felt eager to move back.  So many things have changed since then, and I am happy to be learning about myself, building friendships here, sometimes struggling but also having fun and dancing!  I have booked to go to my first dance camp in Montpellier, by myself (!) in May, and I may go to Sweden and Prague in the summer as well.  I am partly compelled by this 'if I am moving back, I must see all of the places in Europe I wanted to see', isn't this is a great way to live?  To make the most of where I am now...

A friend sent me this link which really made my day.  Enjoy. 

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x12565_beatbox-fame-game

I am moving on Wednesday, leap year.  Grandpa would have turned 96, had he lived two more years.  He had 'good innings', still I really miss him.  He was so cool.  When he was around 90 he was getting out of his car to go to Carrows one evening and this teenage kid tried to take his car, and grandpa nearly knocked him out! He would have punched my ex for leaving me, and honestly I would have loved to see it. 

Been thinking about my past alot.  Old boyfriends, old friends.  Found Alex on Myspace, he is engaged.  Really happy for him, I always wondered if he would remain an intellectual batchelor.  Good for him.

Wonder if Jules has kids and is married? Actually re-married, come to think of it, I sang at her first marriage some 14 years ago...

I was really inspired today reading Lynette's Myspace posting of Steph's comments on love.  I have a stone that has the word 'patience' written on it, and I think I'll carry it in my pocket! 

It feels ok these past couple of days, bit nervous about the change, but I think it will be really good to go to a new place, and to let go, with this move. 

Let go of blame, anger, resentment, sadness

Make room for acceptance, peace, happiness, laughter

The Secret is no secret to me.

I have used the Secret for years, to find the perfect home to move into, and it works amazingly.

I used the secret to bring my ex into my life, for what I needed to learn at that moment, and I do believe that I learned many things, for example:

I brought a partner into my life who had his own mind and opinions and would not be controlled or manipulated

I brought gentleness into my life

I brought someone into my life who would really listen to me

I learned to listen better, to be more gentle with others

These positive traits will stay with me

I am adding to these traits on a daily basis:

unconditional self love

non-judgement

laughter

friendship

Went to meditation class this evening, feeling grounded now.  Focus on the present, I think, for the time being, as I get pretty dark and panicky if I go too far into the future.

As the roots of a plant anchor it in the ground and give it stability, the knowledge of one's cultural and spiritual heritage gives a sure foundation on which to build one's sense of identity.....

ingredients

1 heart

very very sharp knife

pair of gloves

jiffy bag, pre-addressed

phone

1. phone courier, arrange for a pick-up at 2pm sharp. Pre-pay.

2. at 1:45pm go to kitchen. Put gloves on.

3. place 2 fingers to the left of breast bone.

4. exhale completely, and place tip of knife to the left of two fingers, holding with both hands.

5. inhale sharply, at the same time driving knife deep into chest.

6. twist knife into a careful circle, counterclockwise, the shape of a small fist.

7. using right hand, carefully scoop out heart, discarding small bone fragments.

8. place in pre-addressed jiffy bag.

9. go to front door, place bag outside of front door, close door.

10. don't worry. it wont really hurt. it's only physical pain.